Andy and I found out that we were pregnant two days before Christmas. A few weeks later we went to an ob/gyn apointment. After a long, very quiet ultrasound, the technician said, “I’ll be right back, I need to talk to the doctor.” Andy and I looked at each other and seemed to know instantly that this would be the beginning of a long road. She returned to tell us that the ultrasound only showed a the sack and a yoke. We were told that we may be too early to see the baby and that we should come back in two weeks. The two weeks that followed were LONG and filled with uncertainty. Thankfully, God used that time to remind me that no matter what, He has a plan for us and that He is good. The next ultrasound did show a small fetus, but it was measuring much smaller than it should. After some further blood work a miscarriage was confirmed. The process of miscarrying was long and full of uncertainty.
One evening, in the midst of all of this, I let myself have a good hearty cry. I prepared myself with tissues in one hand and the Bible in the other. I guess this grieving session was really more of a prayer, I talked to God, I both questioned His plan and I quieted myself to hear His ever comforting voice. I started thinking about all of the pain outside of this one small death, and thought of all of the death, sadness, and brokenness in our sinful world. I prayed for the families whose children were killed in a school shooting only a few weeks before. As I thought about these things I asked God where He was in the midst of all of His creation suffering. This is one of my favorite things about being a child of God, we can be honest, disagree, and question Him. He is big enough for our doubts. God gently reminded me that He was grieving right along side me and that I’ll never know how much more He is grieved by this sinful world than I am. Then He reminded me that this world is NOT His best for me or for anyone. He brought to mind the perfect lush Garden of Eden, how there was no evil, no need, no sadness, and even better that HE himself “walked with Adam and Eve in the cool of the day.” His plan for me and for you was a perfect lush Garden WITH Him, His plan was heaven. We are now living in a fallen world as a result of one man choosing to do things this own way which has resulted in most all mankind choosing to do things their own way. God whispered in my heart, “THIS IS NOT YOUR HOME JODI. THIS IS NOT MY BEST. ” I was refreshed and encouraged to know that because of my relationship with Christ, my sin is forgiven and I don’t need to make this world my heaven. I can enjoy the glimpses of love, joy, and health here, but one day I will have an eternity of paradice to experience. I am learning to let God define my circumstance, not let my circumstance define God!
The time I spent with God that night gave me a fresh longing in my heart for Heaven and a renewed ambition to use this small time I have here to make sure as many people as possible know what it truly means to have eternity secured in Christ and life to the fullest in the mean time.
1 Corinthians 2:9 No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no human mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love him—